What did you ask?

Its now time for Bob's Semi-Sort of Bi-Annual End of the Year Question wrap up! I, Bob Smiley...or "Bob Smiley" to my friends and "The other son" to my dad, will take some of the questions I've gotton over the year and answer them.

Q: John writes, "Hey Bob, is 'gotten' a real word?" A: It is if you're a published book author. Its called 'Creative License' and every since my book came out in September I've enjoyed using "gotten" and mispeling many words all the while claiming 'Creative License'!

Q: Tammy emails, "You were sick in September and October. I noticed that your voice was really scratchy making you actually sound like a man. What caused it?" A: I had a really bad sinus infection causing me to be able to recreate the hit play "Sounds and Movements of Jellyfish". I also had bronchitis and an ear infection. Many of you that have seen my ears, in fact you can probably see my ears now just by looking out your window no matter what state you live in, know that my ears are a tad big. In fact, this is off the subject but one time a moth flew into my ear as I was walking by a porch light at night. The moth flew right into my ear and started fluttering around. I was calm but then suddenly remembered that I hadn't done a full body shiver in a few months. So I decided to do one right then.

I then asked my dad to look into my ear to see what flew in. He said he'd need 30 foot of rope tied to him and a tree just in case he accidently fell in my ear while looking down into it. I reminded him that I was the comedian and he should stick to his job. He then reminded me that he didn't have a job anymore. So, he got a spot light and looked down in my ear. I asked him if he saw anything. He said he saw three q-tips, some car keys and a frightened raccoon but nothing else. After an awkward pause where no one laughed, he took some tweezers and dug around in there. I then asked if he'd gotten anything out yet. He reminded me that I wasnt a published book author yet and therefore couldn't use the word "gotton" just yet. So I rephrased it and asked if he'd found and retracted anything. He told me that he didn't see anything. So I went inside to watch TV. An hour later, I'm guess the moth got board or perhaps really tired from all that flying around. No matter what, the moth flew down to my eardrum where he remembered his life long dream of being a drummer. He then started flapping his wings against my ear drum causing me to hear a really bad but loud version of "Hotel California". I then went ahead and did another full body shiver just incase I forgot to do one for the upcoming month. My dad grabbed the flash light and tweezers. He then said, "Oh...well, there is that one moth in there. Did you want me to get that out?" So he did and I'm not sure who was more relieved, the moth or me. All that to say, an ear infection is pretty bad for a guy with my ears.

Then, in October, my voice kept going out so I went to see an ENT Doctor. He said he had to run a camera down my throat and look at my voice box. So, he took a long cable, coated it in some liquid snot stuff and then...get ready for this....ran it down through my nose! I calmly pointed out that I had a much bigger hole called "My mouth" that was actually closer to my voice box that he could use instead of going in through my nose. But he said that he had had 2 1/2 years of online doctor schooling and therefore knew the best route. So he found that I had nodules or modules on my voice box. It was hard to hear what he actually said over my screaming. But he did give me a prescription for some drugs and told me which parking lot I could find the guy's car where I could buy the medicine. He gave me the password to use to get the medicine and I got better a week later. So that's what happened. I'm now much healthier and, as a bonus thanks to my doctor, I can now run spaghetti through my nose and out my mouth! (See: I can also do the same with a garden hose!)

Q: "I remember that. It was a horrible experience.", sent in by Wally the Moth. A: Thanks but that's not really a question so it probably wont make it into the Newsletter. By the way, how's the band doing nowadays?

Q: Clay asks, "You sent out Nov.'s Monthly newsletter and now we're getting Dec.'s Monthly newsletter three weeks later!?! Wow. Does this mean that the monthly newsletters are really going to be monthly now? A: Hey Clay, thanks for reading my monthly newsletters! As for an answer to your question, I guess you'll have to wait till March when my next newsletter comes out!

Q: Papereater writes, "What was your worst trip to the Doctor?" A: Great question because I've been to the ER many times since having kids. Colter especially seems to like the ER. He's been 9 times in 8 years. Colter has a favorite gurney. His picture is in the new wing at the hospital, which is only fair because we paid for half of it. But my favorite trip was by myself. I'd just graduated from college and was finally an adult! By the way, being an adult is awesome! You can stay up as late as you want. You can eat as much candy as you want. You can run with scissors. You can drive yourself to the hospital afterwards. And that's what happened.

The first time I went to the ER as an adult was for running with scissors. Seriously. My mom has been telling me for years not to run with scissors just like every other mom in the world and my first accident as an adult was for running with scissors. I actually expected to get to the ER and there'd be a kid ahead of me that made a strange face and it stuck that way. There'd also be a guy who was in a car accident and didn't have on clean underwear. You know, all the mom stories you hear about. Anyway, here's the story. I was in my apartment in the bedroom cutting out some roman noodle coupons for 8 cents off. I was excited because, with 8 cents off, it brought the cost of a box of romain noodles down to just 8 cents a box!  All of a sudden, I heard Spongebob Square Pants start to come on the TV in my living room. Well, I like to say the "Eye Eye Captain" part  so I jumped up off the floor.  My bedroom didn't have any furniture. I was a single starving artist at the time so I couldn't afford to buy furniture.  I was more of a Hunter gatherer type furniture shopper. I actually slept in a small plastic flat bottom two man boat that my dad gave me but I kept it in the middle of my living room. I also had a bean bag that I'd found behind a....Oh, actually Wendy said that I shouldn't tell that part of the story but the bean bag fit within my price range which back then was "No one's looking". That was my price range. Anyway, the bean bag gave my guest something to sit on.  Oh, and I didn't have drawers for my clothes. I used empty T- shirt boxes left over from my merchandise. This worked well except that one time I showed up to do a comedy show and opened what I thought was 36 Bob Smiley shirts and saw 14 pairs of underwear and 3 socks in the box. I didn't sell hardly anything that night.

Anyway, the point is, I was poor and didn't have much furniture. I also didn't own dishes.  I ate off a Frisbee and drank out of a Yatzee cup.  For silverware, I had 400 sporks because they are free at KFC!!!  By the way, the KFC near my parents house has a buffet! My dad loves it all though it takes them forever because he likes to use the drive through. Anyway, Sponge Bob came on so I dashed into the living room still carrying the scissors and I tripped over my two man boat/bed/coffee table. The scissors went right into the top part of my skin on my right hand but not into the bone.   I stood up and went, "AUUUGGGHHHHH! Oh cool!"

I later learned that my hand was in shock so it didn't hurt right away. I thought it was cool that I could shake my hand up and down and the scissors would open and close! Anyway, I drove to the hospital. My car had a moon roof in it which was cool because I held my scissor hand up out of the roof. Cars were getting out of my way like crazy! At one point, I was last at a 4 way stop but I held my hand up out of my roof and yelled, "Anyone beat this? No? Then I'm going." And I drove on through the intersection! By the time I got to the hospital the shock had worn off so my hand was really starting to hurt! I was ready for some immediate attention but the girl that checked everyone in had a rare disease called Turtleitis. She said (in a slow voice), "What seems to be the problem?" I said, "Well, it seems that I stabbed my hand with...well, I'm guessing a pair of scissors. But I was wanting the doctor to look at it and tell me what he thought." She said, "Well, I can tell you. You did stab yourself. And those are scissors." This took her about 2 minutes to say. I said, "Well, can I get someone to take it out?" She said, "Hang on.  Let me figure out how to close out this Mindsweeper game?" 

I finally got in to see the doctor. He put a thermometer in my mouth and left the room.  I hadn't had a thermometer in my mouth since I was in high school.  So just out of instinct, I took it out and put it under the lamp.  This made me laugh because it then dawned on me that I was an adult and didn't need to try and skip school anymore. I was an adult, who was in the ER for running with scissors. So that is my favorite ER story. Ok. That's all the room I have but thanks everyone for all the emails over the year. Thanks for coming out to my shows, supporting me and my family by buying my new book, DVD's and all the other stuff at my store. But most of all, thanks for being great Christian warriors fighting with me in a war that we will and have all ready won! Hope to see you guys in 2008!

Proverbs 9:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

(I like answering questions but for real knowledge I send everyone to the Bible. Be sure to go there daily to find all the real answers!)

This just in...

2. Paul Wright and I are doing a California tour in Jan and Feb sponsored by the folks at Spirit West Coast! Check out the "Stalk Bob" page on my website for more details! With Paul and me you know its going to be a fun and unique show! Hope to see you there...or over there...or possibly up there.

3. Oh, I dont think I mentioned that every item at my store fits perfectly in a Christmas stocking! (see: Provided the owner of the stocking has a really big foot!)

1. http://brilliant- embers.com (Here's the coolest T-shirts on the web)

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=Zfs3BJZxKkc (One of my best friends and greatest comedian in the world, Tim Hawkins, just put out this video called "Cletus Take The Reel". Check it out!)

And finally...

If you’d like to get an extended version of the Free Comedy Newsletter sent to your email addy, email me and ask to be put on the list!  That is all.
Go live for Christ, He died for us!