2 + 2=7?

I heard a radio commercial that said, "Do you have arthritis? Well, listen up! We're proud to introduce our new book 'Arthritis for Dummies'! Pick one up today!" Pick one up today? Are they taunting people with Arthritis? It seems to me that if someone needed the book, they wouldn't be able to pick it up. That's like running a radio ad saying, "Are you hearing impaired? Well, listen up! Get the new Audio tapes "Listening for Dummies". Plus, I cant believe the writers of the arthritis books are calling their customers Dummies right there in the title. That's a double slam to these poor elderly people. "Your hands dont work and you're not smart! Now, give me your $24.50 and hobble out of this store right now!" That just doesn't seem very nice or very smart.

That would be like me putting out a Comedy DVD called "Jokes for the Stupid and Blind! Watch it today!" I wouldn't expect to sell any DVDs with that title. Well, my mom would still buy one copy because she's that supportive. I could actually put out a CD of me doing Interpretive Dance where you'd have to turn the volume way up just to hear my feet scuffling around the stage and my Mom would still buy 4 copies and say it was my best work. Actually, come to think of it, my dad would say the same thing about a CD where I didn't talk but I dont want to get off the subject here.

The point is, sometimes people aren't very smart. I'm not immune to this either. The other day my dad played an old tape of me as a kid trying to say the books of the New Testament in front of my church. I had completely forgotten about this tape. However, he hit "play" and it all started coming back to me. There I was standing in front of my church with my overly gelled and spiked hair, wearing my parachute pants and Super Grover T-shirt nervously reciting, "Matthew, Mark, Luke, uh Leia, C3PO, Chewbacca, Romans, Galatians, Ephesians, Donner, Cupid, Blitzen, 1st and 2nd Philadelphia Eagles, Hebrews, James, 1st and 2nd Corinthians, 1st, 2nd and 3rd Gear, 1st, 2nd, 3rd John, Paul, George, Ringo, Jude, Law, and a partridge in a pear tree!!!" My dad was rolling on the floor laughing. I said, "Come on, Dad, cut me some slack. College was hard!" At-least I got some of those right. I totally butchered the 7 Fruits of the Spirit. I was like "Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Doc, etc. etc."

I wasn't too embarrassed though because I've come to realize that my brain works the way it does so that I can do comedy. In fact, my best friend once told me (See: By the way, he doesn't like me to call him "my best friend". He's always saying, "Dont call me your best friend! Just call me 'your therapist'. But I think that makes him sound like an uncaring jerk so I'm going to say 'my best friend' here because I know he doesn't read these newsletters. Anyway, back to the rest of this sentence which I'm sure you've forgotten now so I'll pause while you go back and read the first part again. --------------------------- That should be enough time, back to the sentence:) that my brain isn't that slow but it just sees things and creates things a little differently. He, too, thinks its because God has made it that way so I can do Christian Comedy. He came to that conclusion one day after I shared a dream I had with him.

The dream involved this really scary monster. I'll describe it but I want to warn you that if you have nightmares easily you will want to skip this paragraph for fear of sleepless nights and sudden panic attacks. Ok. Here goes: (See: By the way, you should know that I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about how scary this monster looked.) The monster was green and orang with horns everywhere on its face, he had a forked tongue and a "Vote For Hillary" T-shirt on! I warned you! Very Scary!!

Anyway, in the dream, the monster shocked me by popping out of my glove compartment which totally took me by surprise because I was riding my bike at the time. Seeing the shirt, I was instantly paralyzed with fear but then the monster spoke. He said, "I'm going to attack you! I'm going to kill you!" And I laughed. The monster stopped and said, "What's so funny?" (And this is where my best friend who charges me by the hour said that my brain works different than most) I said, "Well, you're a monster in my dream so if you kill me then what's going to happen to you?" The monster stopped and said, "Oh yea, I didn't think about that." I quickly pointed out that it was obvious that thinking wasn't his strong suit to begin with. He then pointed out that I shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition. Then he said, "Wait a minute? How do you know its a dream and not real life?" I said, 'Because you see all those good looking girls along this road shouting out my name and their phone number? Trust me, this is obviously a dream!"

Plus, if you look around you can always find someone that will make you feel smart. I was in Florida the other day and read about a problem they were having with people licking certain frogs that secrete a hallucinogenic on their skin in order to get high. This is a true story. Now, I dont get the whole drug thing anyway. I dont know why anyone takes the chance to harm their body for a few moments of silliness not to mention that I've had two close friends die because of drugs. So, I'm very against drugs. All though, to be fair, I did once spin around on my front lawn for about 3 minutes and I have to admit that for a second I was like "Oh cool. Everything's spinning! This is awesome!" But then I threw up. Not only did I feel sick, I really embarrassed my kids. Colter ran over and said, "Dad, stop. My friends are watching. Plus, quit eating so much corn?"

All that to say, I dont know why people take drugs but they do. And some people are licking these special frogs to get high. Now first of all, wouldn't you have to be high before you'd lick a frog? I would think "Man, I'm so high I think I just licked a frog!" would be said many more times than, "I'd like to get high, I wish I could score some frog."

Plus, when I was reading about this, I felt bad for the frog. I just pictured a poor frog sitting at a park thinking, "Ha Ha Ha! I'm invincible! God gave me a super power skin secretion so that no animal can harm me! Hey, I wonder why that skater dude is coming over here? Auughhhhh! What are you doing? Dont pick me up! Dont you know about my super powers! Put me down! Oh my gosh! Are you licking me? I dont even know you! Oh dude, go brush your teeth! That is pungent! Augghhhehehehehe, not in the armpit, that tickles! Hey, dont just throw me down and walk away! Where are you wobbling off too you jerk! You owe me dinner, you creep!"

(I know some of our temples seem like mega- churches and some seem like small youth group rooms but no matter what it looks like it belongs to God and should be used to glorify Him!)

This just in...

2. Oh, I forgot to mention in Paragraph 1 that I have a bunch of new items at my online store and a few different combo items just for Christmas.

3. Oh, I dont think I mentioned that every item at my store fits perfectly in a Christmas stocking! (see: Provided the owner of the stocking has a really big foot!)

4. Dont forget that my new Comedy/ Devotional Book: "Growing Up Super Average: The Adventures of Average Boy" makes the perfect gift for your nephew or niece or any other kid between the ages of 8-14 that likes to laugh.

5. Did I mention I have stuff on sale for Christmas? ACT NOW OR ACT LATER! (Note to self: work on a better catch phrase for your online store.)

2. http:// www.christianshoes.com/ (These are the best shoes in the world! Oh, and they make great Christmas gifts as well!)

And finally...

If you’d like to get an extended version of the Free Comedy Newsletter sent to your email addy, email me and ask to be put on the list!  That is all.
Go live for Christ, He died for us!